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HEADS, WE GET MARRIED;

TAILS, WE BREAK UP!

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“Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.”

My fingers play with a coin in my pocket as the words escape my lips. They are barely a whisper, and thus go unheard by my boyfriend, Sean.

My legs shake and buckle. Could this be a sign? Should I drop to my knees and propose to my boyfriend of five years?

My mind screams in defiance. No! This is not how it’s supposed to be. Sean is supposed to take me away on a surprise vacation. We’re on the beach at sunset. He’s been antsy all day, and I worry he’s bored with me. Quite the opposite. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Stupid, right?

Heads, we get married; tails we break up.

This time, the words stay within the confines of my mind while I ponder what sparked this utterance.

Fluorescent lights spotlight the answer to this question. A deluge of greeting cards stare back at me, all possessing loving couples celebrating engagements, weddings, or anniversaries.

While my fingers continue to play with the coin in my pocket, Sean’s are busy picking up romantic cards, taking an inordinate amount of time selecting just the right one…for his parents’ anniversary.

He shakes his head with disdain when a large puppy flashing a love-struck grin pops out of one card, a big heart wobbling from his chest as if it cannot contain the love he feels. Stupid, right?

I immediately think of the couple who live in the apartment adjacent from mine. They are always giggling, addressing each other by silly nicknames, and holding hands. I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen him coming home with flowers. Worse, she does it too! Stupid, right?

Heads, we get married; tails, we break up.

I wonder if Sean and I will make all the big decisions in our lives so mundanely.

“Heads, we buy a house; tails, we continue to rent, or God forbid, live with his parents, which he did until I insisted we move in together. Or…

Heads, we have a baby; tails, we rescue another cat.

By the way, I am and never will be a cat person. Our cat, Princess, hisses at me every chance she gets and takes a swipe when I get too close to Sean.

Heads, we kill the cat; tails, we…kill the cat!

I chuckle to myself.

Sean hands me a card without as much as a glance. I used to tell myself this was good. We don’t need words or romance. I read the card, shake my head, and try to hand it back to him, but he has already picked another card, dismissing my opinion before it’s given. I find the slot for his rejected card and put it back just like everything else he leaves laying around the house.

While Sean labors over which card to give his parents, I have never received one of these cards from him. I pick one up; one I declared “stupid” just minutes before. I go to the counter and buy it with one of the coins I contemplated flipping just moments before.

Sean remains at the rack of cards, oblivious of my departure.

“Break up!” I whisper and walk out of the store, wondering when he will notice I’m gone. I hope it’s long enough for me to get home and pack my things. I bet Princess will purr the entire time.